


Until You Can Come to Forgive Me (許してもらえるまで)

by harunohayate



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Arashi on hiatus, Broken Sakumoto, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, Juntoshi fluff, M/M, Matsumiya friendship - Freeform, Regret, Romance, Sakumiya friendship - Freeform, Sakumoto gap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28965504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harunohayate/pseuds/harunohayate
Summary: A 5-part short story of mixed emotions on how the Sakumoto (ShoJun) gap and Juntoshi coupling came to be. Gratuitous Sakumiya friendship.
Relationships: Matsumoto Jun/Ohno Satoshi, Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	1. January 23 (1月23日)

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to express my appreciation to @yuuki_73, who provided a seed of inspiration that got me thinking about how the Sakumoto gap could have come to be. And since all roads must lead to Juntoshi in my mind, this is how I imagined Juntoshi came from the Sakumoto gap.

Birthdays always filled Sho with the most complicated emotions of his emotional repertoire. Birthdays reminded him that another year had gone by and that he was running out of time. What the urgency was to complete was never clear. However, he always felt like he was running out of time to do whatever that undefined thing that it was that he hoped to accomplish. The anticipation of aging another year made him always made him moody and reflective. He looked at his planner and calendars. He asked his manager to analyze his year and how well he had done for the year. Each year he always seemed to outdo himself, so professionally he was quite proud of himself and he always treated himself in January to some obnoxiously expensive and frivolous purchase. It was celebrating another year of hard work, but also the craziness that was his life as a super idol during the winter months leading up to the end of the year. Sometimes he took a trip. One year he bought himself a luxury European car that he realized after the fact he could not drive and had to return. After all, what was dropping a cool 10 million yen when you are a national idol.

Sho had it all, yet those annual extravagant purchases were really just a way to fill the emptiness and regret he felt around his birthday. And he really had no one to blame but himself and he _hated_ that he was his own worst enemy.

**_January 23rd._** That was the day of one of the biggest regrets of his life. It was two days before his birthday and it was 01-23 on the calendar, so he never forgot. January 23rd was the day that he realized that words held power and you better mean what you say and say what you mean because you cannot take it back.

He was 21, just shy of 22 and in university. He had established his own popularity among his fans and his _kouhai_ for being a bit of a rebellious, loud-mouthed, but quick-witted punk rather unintentionally in recent years. He had been going through a rough time being an idol while trying to manage his family’s expectations that he still be educated and be the things that they wanted for him. Sometimes he felt so overwhelmed by the pressure of both sides that he did rash and impulsive things like bleaching his hair, running away to go surfing for two days when he was off, and getting some body piercings. For quite some time he had had a little adoring shadow by the name of Jun who followed him around like a puppy. Jun was 19 and quite the energetic teenager trying to figure himself out, but one thing that was clear to perhaps everyone except Sho was that Jun was totally infatuated with the smart, well-spoken college student with the rebellious streak and navel piercing.

All 5 of them were scheduled to work on his actual birthday, so Jun asked him if the two of them could just celebrate a couple of days early. Sho said it was bad luck to do so, but Jun insisted that there was something that he wanted to do, so Sho finally gave in and agreed to meet Jun on the 5th floor of the television station after filming a segment together. It was nearly 2 in the morning and the regular staff had gone home. They agreed to meet in the waiting area which was now only dimly lit save for a few lamps and the illumination from the moon and city lights below pouring through the windows. Jun was waiting near the light next to the reception desk.

“Sho-kun,” he smiled, standing up to greet him with a wave.

“Hey, sorry to keep you waiting,” Sho apologized, jogging over. “What’s up?”

“Sho-kun,” 19-year old Jun swayed nervously, closing the distance between them slightly.

“Yeah?” Sho acknowledged uneasily. Jun was being weird and looking around the room even though there was clearly no one there.

“Sho-kun,” he began, running his fingers through his hair and taking a deep breath. “Sho-kun, I really like you,” he confessed.

“Me too, MatsuJun. You’re really funny,” Sho said stupidly in the moment.

“No, that’s not what I mean…” stammered Jun, looking away and around the room as if he could no longer look Sho in the eyes. “I-I-It’s more than that—”

“What are you trying to say?” laughed Sho awkwardly, unable to deal with the uncomfortable situation. “That you like me, like as in “like me” like me?” he joked with more incredulous laughter and sneering derision than he had meant. “Don’t tell me you like guys like that—”

Sho stopped in horror as he saw Jun’s face fall in disappointment and shame. He was not so daft that he could not see that he had he clearly inserted his foot into his mouth. Jun looked embarrassed and mortified as he bit down on his lip and closed his eyes tightening his brow before swallowing his saliva.

“Oh, um, no…what I meant to say, was that I really look up to you, Sho-kun,” Jun recovered quickly with a weak laugh, the shame and disappoint gone from his face as quickly as it had come. “It just didn’t come out right. That’s totally weird for me to say. Sorry about that…” Jun turned away and bowed. “Excuse me. I’m going to head out. Sorry for making you stay late…”

“Jun-kun!” Sho called. “I—”

Sho saw a glimmer of wrapping paper sticking out of the back pocket of Jun’s pants as Jun began to take off. It was clear that Jun had intended to give him something and judging from its shape, he could see that it was probably not something he would normally expect from his fellow Arashi member. As he turned his gaze to follow Jun, he saw Jun’s expression in the mirror as the younger boy passed it. Jun’s eyes had taken on a glassy quality. And then Sho saw it, the first tears as Jun closed his eyes and began running blindly out the door and down the hall, leaving Sho alone in the waiting area that suddenly felt colder and darker without Jun in it.

“Fuck,” Sho whispered to no one in particular, Jun long gone. “I shouldn’t have said that…”

Jun seemed more distant after that, though he never let it interfere with their work. It was true that Jun could be a spoiled little brat who sometimes threw tantrums by virtue of being the youngest and most particular. And while he would not admit it, it annoyed Sho on a very small level that the takoyaki crew always let Arashi’s youngest have his way. As the oldest son, Sho was accustomed to letting his actual younger siblings have their way, but he found it absolutely baffling that Nino only 2 months older than Jun and a younger brother himself treated Jun as if he were his younger brother and indulged Jun’s whims like any older brother would.

Despite that annoying quality, as much as Sho hated to admit it, Jun was a professional when it came to work. Even if Sho had clearly hurt him, it was not as if things were awkward between them. Unlike other groups which had much more visible hard feelings between other members, when they were in front of others, Jun never gave any indication that there was any drama between them. But, unlike before, Jun stopped clinging to Sho. He stopped following Sho around and waiting for him to finish so they could go home together on the last train. 95% of their communication over phone, text, messaging app, and email was related to work. Occasionally, Jun sent him links to things that he thought Sho would like, like the popcorn machine that Sho said that he wanted and Jun saw at Tokyu Hands. But since that day, Jun never invited Sho out just for the sake of hanging out one-on-one again and he never actively sought out opportunities to be alone with Sho after that incident.

+

A few weeks later, Sho was feeling particularly guilty since he ended up needing Jun to do him a huge favor. He had left his script at the last studio and Jun was coming from another taping in the area, so he asked Jun to turn around and get his script with all the markings that he had just made and bring it to him. He thought for certain that Jun would say that he was busy or would give him attitude, but Jun just said okay and brought the script at the expense of his own hair and makeup prep being rushed. He felt so badly that he had been mean to Jun weeks ago that he worked up the courage over several days to apologize to him.

“MatsuJun,” Sho said, trying to get Jun’s attention as they were conveniently the only two in the dressing room at the moment. Jun was making a snack and the takoyaki crew had gone out for burgers with the staff from the show.

“Yeah?” Jun mumbled as he yanked a wooden chopstick apart while holding one side with his teeth and slurping some cold soba noodles leftover from lunch.

Sho stood up and walked up to Jun who was just finishing downing his snack. Jun wiped his face with a napkin and tossed the tray and chopsticks in the trash while chewing on the last of his noodles.

“About the other day,” Sho began with a deep breath.

“Oh, don’t even worry about it,” Jun dismissed him.

“What?”

“You’re talking about the script, right?” concluded Jun. “I was in the area and I told you it’s fine—” Jun took a sip of his water, picked his book off the table, and was about to head to his couch which was the farthest in proximity to the one Sho always used.

“No! I mean, thank you for that too, but I wanted to say something about the another day….” Sho rushed.

“What day?” Jun blinked in confusion, as he took a few steps with his back turned to Sho.

“The day we were in the 5th floor waiting room,” Sho continued. Jun froze in his tracks. “I’m….I’m sorry for what I said to you that day. I was out of line and it was totally uncalled for.” Jun had not taken any more steps forward, so Sho pressed forward with his apology. “I’m so sorry, Ju—”

“It’s fine,” Jun interrupted, turning around with a fake face and smile if Sho ever saw one. “Actually, it’s me who should be apologizing, Sho-kun.” Jun’s eyes were turned up like little croissants obscuring the expressiveness that the younger man’s eyes normally lended themselves to. “I’m so embarrassed,” Jun laughed, scratching the back of his head. “I’m sorry, Sho-kun. I’m sorry for making things awkward and for making you feel like you need to needed to take an extra level of consideration for me. It was my fault for saying those weird things in the moment.”

“M-MatsuJun, I—” stuttered Sho, who was promptly cut off by Jun.

“Thanks for apologizing, but it was really my fault for being so emotional and dramatic in the moment. It’s fine; I’m fine. You don’t need to fret over me any more,” Jun smiled, his face taking on an eerily plastic quality that made Sho feel uneasy considering how Jun was and had always been someone who showed his emotions readily on his face. To see this Jun behind a mask of frozen forced happiness was downright unnerving. “Seriously, Sho, I’m fine,” Jun turned away and sat down on the couch. “I’m gonna get ready for my next role and read the book.”

Jun seemed to have let it go and Sho felt somewhat relieved when things seemed a little less awkward in the dressing room and during their down time. Sometimes Jun came to him for advice about things he was working on for work and that seemed to put his mind at ease. One would have thought that Sho had learned his lesson about choosing his words wisely, but fate had yet another learning opportunity in store for him.


	2. The Sakumoto Gap Widens (翔潤間の溝が深まる)

It had been several years since their debut as a group and Sho was way in over his head with his family. He felt immense pressure to be this person that they wanted him to be and with Arashi’s stagnant and sometimes declining popularity since their debut, he was constantly fighting with his parents about whether or not he would continue as a member of Arashi or he would quit and focus on more concrete things like being a politician, following in his father’s footsteps; or being a newscaster or commentator, which was his mother’s ambition for him. He was exhausted from fighting with them and trying to justify that Arashi was not an enormous waste of time and that they would become popular one day.

Johnny and his staff had been working around the clock to try to find some opportunity that fit with the dynamic of the group. Unlike other groups which had successfully debuted, Arashi was just on their own pace and did not sell albums. Their shows were not particularly popular as they were not very good at speaking on television and their concerts were hardly sold out. Nino had some acting roles and Sho had also been given some acting roles. Shockingly, Jun despite being quite awkward in front of people, had landed some fairly major roles due to his natural beauty and handsome features that he was growing into.

Sho did not realize it at the time since he was only caught up in his own life and he himself was still quite immature even as an adult, but he was beginning to resent Jun. It was so unfair how it never seemed like Jun had to struggle in life. His family seemed largely supportive of his choice to be an idol, or they were perhaps more indifferent since Jun had always been such a stubborn child and they were just beyond trying to get him to do or be something else. Coddled from an early age since he was so damn cute, Jun practically got away with murder. His sister was fiercely protective of him and Jun was used to getting his way. When he joined Arashi, they also regularly let him have his way. He had no family drama or expectations to live up to. That of course was not Jun’s fault, but Sho did not see it that way. _Why the hell should he have to suffer and fight with his family while Jun could sleep easy at night like a fucking princess?_

Another thing that Sho took a long time to come to terms with was how Jun was a Johnny’s Jimusho elite and a clear favorite with the old man. Johnny called for Jun personally and Mr. Elite never had to audition like everyone else. It was a famous story that everyone knew, but Sho often wondered what the hell Johnny saw in Jun that made him call personally when he saw thousands of applications every year. There had never come another idol who had features so striking, handsome, and recognizable as Matsumoto Jun, so maybe the old man could pick them, but why Jun? While Sho was caught up in family drama, Jun was focusing on the acting roles he had been given—Sawada Shin in _Gokusen,_ Doumyouji Tsukasa in _Hana Yori Dango_ , his sexy movie role in _Tokyo Tower._ It was just so incredibly unfair and it was the perfect emotionally-charged storm churning within Sho. This would be the one that caused everything to crumble and a chasm to open up between them. And, it was once again right around his birthday.

Nino was messing around with Jun playing cards on one side of the table of their shared room complaining about how they had to wake up early the next morning. They were staying in a large Japanese-style room with tatami so their bedding needed to be taken out every night from the closet.

“Man, I hate waking up early,” whined Nino.

“It can’t be helped, right?” Jun laid a card face down and drew a card from the deck. “Aiba-kun and Leader are coming together from the dock and they need to do their hair and makeup on site tomorrow, so we need to be done first.”

“I wish the stylists could just come to our rooms so we could sleep an extra hour,” Nino grumbled, following suit with his card. “You should ask Maeda-san if she and Kitano-san can come as a special favor to us.”

“What?! No!” Jun disagreed. “They’d have to wake up at 3 am just for our convenience! That’s terrible!”

“Maeda-san and Kitano-san are your fans. I’m sure they’d do it if you asked them,” Nino said with a sly smile. “I heard they’re HanaDan Doumyouji fans.”

“No,” Jun said, placing two cards down and taking another from the deck.

“Oh come on! Try and ask them and then you can tell them it’s a joke. I bet you’re curious now that I told you,” Nino prodded.

“No,” Jun refused stubbornly. “And that’s not comforting.”

“If I win this game, you have to ask them,” Nino threatened.

“You’re not gonna win,” Jun said confidently. “And I’m still not gonna do it.”

“Just as a joke—come on,” pressed Nino. “She’s gonna be back because look, she forgot her hair dryer.”

“Noooo….”

True to Nino’s prediction, Maeda came in to pick up the hair dryer she had left on the table some time later. Nino wiggled his eyebrows at Jun, who sighed and looked up at the young stylist.

“Maeda-san,” Jun gave her his smoldering gaze as Doumyouji.

“Eep!” she squeaked to Nino’s delight. “What is it, Matsumoto-san?

“Is there any way you could make a house call tomorrow morning for Nino, Sho-kun, and me?” Jun asked, imposing his aura onto her. “We’re on location tomorrow and we’d need to be there extra early for hair and makeup to leave the time slot right before we start filming for Aiba-kun and Ohno-san…but if you could help us get ready from our rooms, we wouldn’t need to leave and come back just to get our hair and makeup done.”’

“Oh, um,” she blushed as Jun stared at her and laid his hand gently on her forearm.

“Please?” Jun gave his most pouty, reluctant-to-ask-nicely Doumyouji impression.

“Of course! I’ll ask Kitano-san to come with me!” she agreed, turning so red that she looked like she might explode from the request. “What time would you like us to be there?!”

Jun looked over at Nino. _Are we done yet?_

Nino looked absolutely vindicated and gave in. “Maeda-san, sorry it was just a joke,” Nino smiled in apology. “Jun-kun lost a bet and he had to ask you to come early. You don’t have to come early just for us. Please get some sleep.”

“Oh, Ninomiya-san!” she swatted at Nino. “Always such a prankster!”

“I’m sorry for making Jun-kun tease you like that,” Nino ushered her to the door with a wave. “Here, please take this peach jelly as an apology for tricking you.”

Once she was gone, Nino turned to Jun who was decidedly no longer interested in playing cards.

“I told you she would say yes!” Nino bragged.

“You’re so annoying!” Jun retorted back jokingly. “ _Why on earth_ would you make me do that?! Geez, that was so embarrassing! I’m never doing that again!”

Sho was trying to read the newspaper and their chatter was grating on his very last nerve. He was running on very little sleep and he had just gotten into another fight with his mother that morning and he was in no shape to deal with their banter.

“Admit it—you had her eating out of the palm of your hand!” Nino jumped onto Jun’s back and taunted him a little more as they ran around the room like two teenagers.

“Never!” Jun laughed. “This was just your sick idea of a joke and—”

Sho suddenly slammed his palms on top of the newspaper he was reading and glared at them. “I fucking hate that about you, MATSUJUN!” Sho exploded thrusting his finger towards Jun in accusation, causing Nino and Jun to stop their horsing around and stare at Sho.

“Sho-kun, what are you talking about?” Jun asked anxiously while Nino slid down and took a seat behind Jun who was standing up and facing Sho now that Sho had demanded their attention.

“I hate how you use your looks and popularity to get your way!” Sho shouted. “It’s always MatsuJun, MatsuJun, MatsuJun! No one cares about Arashi because you’re too busy taking the spotlight from all of us! You think you’re better than all of us because you’re good-looking and popular!”

“Sho-kun, I’ve never felt or thought—” Jun began, tears beginning to sting his eyes.

“YOU HAVE! I KNOW YOU HAVE!” Sho’s vein on his forehead pulsing angrily. “You’re Johnny-san’s favorite and you use that all the time to get your way! He and everyone else, including the other members, just give you opportunities and let you have your way because of your looks and YOU KNOW IT! You’ve never had to struggle or work hard to get anything in life—”

“Oi! Sho-kun!” Nino interjected. “That’s going too far!”

“Tell me you don’t feel that too, Nino!” Sho called him out. “Everything just always works out for MatsuJun! It’s so fucking unfair! He gets to be the first to do everything! Everyone just gives him whatever he wants and lets him do whatever the fuck he wants!”

“Sho-kun, apologize to Jun-kun!” Nino defended in a warning tone. “You are SO incredibly out of line right now!”

“I’m not apologizing for anything!” Sho scattered the newspaper across the table and stormed out of the dressing room.

He had been so angry that day and all of his resentment and frustration just exploded so he took it out on Jun, which he knew was not right. In the moment, he was so heated and seeing red that he could not think about anyone else. He needed to vent his grievances and he did it in the worst way possible. Sho put on a hoodie and went for a long run too cool off.

When he returned a few hours later having calmed down and prepared to apologize to Jun, he saw Nino in the middle of all the futons stroking Jun’s head as the young man slept quietly. Sho’s futon was closest to the door and Jun’s was closest to the sliding door that led to the balcony with Nino in between them.

“Is he sleeping?” Sho asked quietly, removing his hoodie and wiping the sweat from his brow as he cooled off.

“Yeah, finally,” Nino sighed in exhaustion. “I had to call the medic to give him a sedative.”

“I…” began Sho.

“You should take a bath before you catch a cold,” Nino said, not turning around to face Sho.

“Is he really mad at me?” Sho asked, unable to take the tension of the situation.

“No, but you really did a number on him,” Nino pulled the covers over Jun and finally turned to his own futon to crawl in. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t bounce back after this.”

The next morning they woke up early and trudged their way to hair and make up. Jun was very sleepy from the sedative and for the first time was totally out of it during work. Understandably, he could not even look Sho in the eye, but when Aiba asked Jun about it, Jun said he was not feeling well and he just needed to rest when they were done.

“Did something happen last night?” Ohno asked as they were all riding back to the hotel later that afternoon to rest.

“No, MatsuJun is just suffering from fatigue,” Aiba shrugged.

“Oh…” Ohno nodded and went back to reading his magazine much to Sho’s relief.

While Jun, Ohno, and Aiba were soaking in the hot spring in their hotel, Nino was gaming having just showered in their room. Sho sat down on his futon and looked at Nino, wondering if he should start a conversation.

“You can never take this back,” Nino said prophetically.

And he was right. From that day forward, Sho realized that he could not take back what he had said. Jun was truly forever lost to him. Jun would do as much as people (directors, cameramen, photographers, people from the _jimusho_ ) would tell him to do and that included giving fans some Sakumoto fan service. If he was told to stand close to Sho and told explicitly put his arms on Sho’s shoulder, he did and made it seem that there was nothing amiss. If he was just told to stand next to Sho, he would do it, but with just a little bit of space in between them—purposefully distancing them when it was not necessary to be totally touching each other. Jun would touch the others without being prompted as long as there was some vague directive like “cook together” or “spin the hula hoop together”. But with Sho, Jun never went out of his way to get close physically or emotionally ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued...
> 
> Next chapter... From broken Sakumoto💔💜 to Juntoshi💙💜...
> 
> Until next time, friends!


	3. Super Sweet/Indugent! (激甘い！)

Perhaps it was the timing of careers, perhaps it was maturity, or perhaps it was 1000 percent Sho’s fault that Jun began to change. At a time when Sho was closest to Aiba, Nino and Ohno always seemed to be connected at the hips, Jun began to take on the identity as “Mr. Stoic”, “DoS Banchou”, “Cool MatsuJun”, “Sexy MatsuJun”, and “Mr. Perfect”. His image to the world was some combination of _tsundere_ , flirtatious playboy, cook and gourmand, and all the roles he played in television and movies. As Jun worked through his growing pains, he also was starting to find a new connection with their Leader.

Much to the shock of everyone around them, the two farthest in age who seemed to be most opposite in personality somehow got along surprisingly well. Sho always wondered why despite Ohno telling Jun a bunch of times that he wanted to be alone (and for Jun to leave him alone), that he wanted to go home (not socialize with them), or how he repeatedly turned down Jun’s requests to let him into his home and invitations to hang out, that Jun never put that same distance between him and the Arashi leader. In fact, oddly enough, despite giving off the impression that he wanted to keep things professional between them, it was Ohno who usually was the worst when it came to indulging Jun’s whims (he was a the _most_ indulgent of them all, telling Jun how cute he was and letting Jun [and convincing the other 3 that Jun should] have his way really more than he should). Ohno’s famous line when the cameras were not rolling was always, “ _It obviously means more to him than it does to us, so let’s just let him have his way and move on._ ”

But when Jun was being a spoiled diva and being obnoxious about it, Ohno was also the only one who would tell him to knock it off in a way that Jun actually felt bad and apologized. As fellow Arashi members, they could call each other out jokingly on television, but the only person who could really put Jun in his place without fear of retaliation was Ohno. It would seem that the two shared an unusual bond that was not only emotionally rooted, but one that also took on a physical manifestation that Aiba simply referred to as the bond between the clownfish and the sea anemone. Of all the members of Arashi, the moodiest was by far Jun and when he was in a mood, everyone knew to stay away until he calmed down or was in a better mood. In the worst of his moods, Aiba called Jun the sea anemone because he mercilessly stung whomever got close to him, physically or otherwise. Even trying to talk to Jun could result in a painful sting. And of course, the only one who just seemed to be immune to Jun’s venom was Ohno—a.k.a. the clownfish Leader.

When Jun was irritated, it was Ohno who would sit next to Jun and put his head on Jun’s shoulder or hand on Jun’s lap until he calmed down. Ohno’s gentle aura generally tended to have a warm and positive effect on Jun’s mood and for that, the other three members were rather grateful that Ohno had the magical power to diffuse Jun’s toxic barbs. As time went on, Sho noted that despite having a couch of his own, Ohno’s favorite place to lie was on Jun’s couch. The Arashi Leader never mentioned why, but clownfish Leader just seemed to prefer sea anemone Jun’s couch over other areas. Sho suspected that it might have something to do with the fact that Jun was _also_ quite physically indulgent and affectionate when Ohno came near him. When Ohno put his head near or on Jun’s lap, Jun always gave him a relaxing scalp massage, sometimes with his fingers, other times with his bizarre metal tool that looked like a broken whisk with little metal balls at the end. Eventually this became weaponized by Nino into ‘ _J is in a bad mood—let’s have Ohno lie on his lap and give his fingers something to focus on. Ohno can get his scalp massaged, J will eventually feel less moody, and therefore we will all be happy_ ’. Happy Jun, harmonious Arashi.

Sho would not dare sit in sea anemone Jun’s area, at least not without reason. If celebrity friends or guests came to visit their dressing room, Sho would on occasion make room on his couch which was always closest to the door and sit on sea anemone Jun’s area, but he always felt nervous and awkward even though he had no reason to be. Jun would never be unprofessional in that way, but the air space between Sho and Jun always felt a few degrees chillier than everywhere else in the room. Jun on the other hand _never_ sat in Sho’s area. He would wait for Aiba and Nino to move so he could sit in their area just to avoid sitting in Sho’s area. But just like how each member had their own strengths, each member had their own preferences when it came to couches. Nino liked his couch to be soft and intimate. This meant that since he was shorter, that he chose a smaller couch that allowed him to feel comfy and protected. Aiba liked a firmer couch, but he rarely sat on the couch, preferring to sit at the table. Just like how clownfish Ohno liked sea anemone Jun’s area, Jun liked Ohno’s couch, which was the largest and most expensive out of all of them and meant to maximize Ohno’s comfort since he spent so much time sleeping on said couch. Most times clownfish Ohno hung out in sea anemone Jun’s area, but on occasion the clownfish was too lazy to move from the comfort of his own couch. In that case, venomous Jun went over to set up house and bother the little clownfish by poking at him and trying to get Ohno to give him attention, which they all knew that Ohno secretly liked because Ohno, being the consummate artist who constantly worked with his hands, always liked physical touch.

In all the years that Sho had known Ohno, Ohno only looked to Jun to indulge his desire for physical touch. Arashi’s youngest despite being a little selfish at times, could be surprisingly conscientious, observant, and attentive to the needs of others in many other ways. Ohno never sought out Sho and Aiba for affection and physical touch. It was way too weird as guys and they would never provide it in a way that Ohno truly wanted it in a non-fan-service sort of way. Even Aiba and Sho them sitting together on the same couch or next to each other on the bullet train, Aiba was so clumsy bumping into everything and Sho had some anxious energy that he sometimes gave off that Ohno did not find relaxing at all. Nino used to be more open to giving affection and physical touch, but then he turned it into a mind game of sometimes giving it, sometimes pushing Ohno away, sometimes making Ohno beg him for it. So when Ohno realized that Jun would 100% of the time massage his scalp or lean back into him while they slept next together on the train and that Jun did not mind clownfish Ohno in his sea anemone personal bubble, Ohno moved on to only seeking physical touch from Jun. Only Jun gave and let Ohno have the physical touch (even though at the time it was not romantic) he craved.

This was particularly obvious with Ohno’s not so no secret obsession with Jun’s thighs. It was such an odd fetish considering that Jun was a guy, but whenever Ohno felt sleepy, he liked to touch the inside of Jun’s thighs to signal that very specific feeling to Jun of all people—not the top of the thighs, a.k.a Jun’s lap, not the outside where you were supposed to shoot epinephrine auto injector when someone was going into anaphylactic shock, but the very intimate _inside_ of Jun’s thighs. Inner right thigh was supposedly more preferable than inner left thigh, according to Aiba who had asked Ohno directly about this fetish. Ohno merely shrugged and said it was like asking why one lump of clay felt better than another—it just did.

Aiba asked Jun if he could touch the inner side of his thighs and Jun kicked him off the couch to everyone’s amusement when Aiba even touched the inner part of his knee. But Jun did allow Aiba to lie on his lap for “science’s sake”. Aiba was curious as to why Jun’s lap, so he did an experiment of his own over several days that involved doing what Ohno did and he laid on everyone’s lap. After 20 minutes, he concluded that Ohno liked to lie on Jun’s lap because Jun’s thighs were the thickest and softest, much like a woman’s lap. Jun also did not move like Sho who got antsy after 10 minutes, or bitch and moan about his circulation after 5 minutes like Nino. Surprisingly, Jun could sit there reading his book for a full 20 minutes without complaining, and therefore, Jun’s lap was empirically “proven” by process of elimination to be the most comfortable and pleasurable experience. When Aiba reported this to Sho a few weeks after he had completed his experiment, they were in the locker room style showers at a concert venue. Sho remembered getting surprisingly worked up about someone he supposedly had no romantic interest in. Aiba just laughed good-naturedly as he always did and told Sho that he took life way too seriously.

Throughout his 20s, all the way until his early 30s, Sho was annoyed at himself for caring about how close and cozy Arashi’s oldest and youngest were becoming right under their noses. Then, one year his annoyance all of a sudden became wondering and reflection. While his friends and fellow celebrities were all getting married and having children, Sho’s major takeaway of his early 30s was that had Jun been a woman, he probably would have been the perfect attentive, affectionate wife/partner. Seeing Jun becoming close to Ohno and connecting with him in a different, more adult way, Sho began to reflect on where and how it had all gone so dreadfully wrong with himself and Jun. He and Jun had a subtle but irreparably distant relationship beyond the professional one they had. Since that outburst with Jun, Sho had changed how he dealt with others. He became more polite on the surface and charming with his words and mannerisms—something that served him well as the educated, well-spoken, good-looking face of Arashi—but in reality, he was secretly afraid to go too far with people. And even when his words were a little severe on TV for entertainment purposes, in private, Sho was extremely careful. Traumatized by how he traumatized Jun (but unwilling to admit it and get help to work through said trauma), Sho spent the days leading up to each birthday every year asking himself if he would spend yet another year burdened with this regret from his past.

He often wondered if he should apologize to Jun, even if it had been years. Surely an apology was better late than never, he thought to himself. However, what stopped him was usually his pride and the nagging feeling of wondering if this was the one time when he should really not do what he thought he should do. When it came to intuition and “luck”, Sho was definitely on the dull and unlucky side. Whenever he thought that he should do something, it often turned out that he should not have done it. If it was a matter of choosing left or right based on intuition, he would guaranteed choose the wrong direction without fail. If the answer was left, he would pick right. If he should choose right, his gut would say left. It was infuriating to hear people talk about “gut feeling” because Sho had no idea what that meant, having constantly been screwed by his own intuition time and time again for most of his life. It had been years. Should he apologize to Jun—better late than never—or should he just not bring it up ever again?

Jun no longer seemed bothered by it and he might even be weirded out if Sho suddenly brought it up now that it had been over half their career ago. Sho was now keeping a calendar tally of all the times he thought about what he did to Jun. In the last 10 years, he had spent 254 guilt-ridden days and or sleepless nights replaying the events of that day and thinking about why seeing Jun with the other members of Arashi, particularly Ohno, made him feel a pang of unknown emotion deep inside that he could never quite place his finger on. His young self had foolishly ruined things and now that he was in his 30s, the full regret of his actions was now hitting him like an anvil.

+

**_January 23, 2018 - Jun’s room_ **

Jun and Ohno were laying in Jun’s bed with just the city lights pouring in from the large glass windows to illuminate their faces as they prepared to take on the day together. They had an early start and Ohno had woken Jun up way before the sun was scheduled to rise with a series of warm kisses and reassuring touches. How Jun felt on January 23rd was always unpredictable. Some years Jun was sullen and distant, other years he was positive and hopeful. Since they were now “secretly” together as a couple, Ohno tried to be sensitive and proactive about the day to support Jun in whatever way he could. Maybe Arashi knew or suspected that they were now sleeping together, but to everyone else, it just looked like they were close and they “visited” each other’s houses on occasion and took trips together because they were close.

“Are you sad today?” Ohno placed his head on Jun’s naked chest to listen to Jun’s heart.

“Hmmmm?” Jun yawned sleepily as his brain started up for the day.

“It’s January 23rd,” reminded Ohno softly, hugging Jun.

“Oh….right…” Jun mumbled, looking over at the digital clock with large numbers near the bed. “So it is…”

Ohno looked for signs for Jun’s mood. Jun sighed and reached up to stretch, slightly displacing Ohno.

“Just a little,” Jun rolled away and went to use the bathroom. He returned to bed several minutes later and snuggled deeply into Ohno who yelped because Jun’s skin was cold and he was still warm from being in bed. “Thank you for asking….” Jun trailed off, laying a kiss onto Ohno’s cheek. “I love you…”

“You don’t…blame…Sho-kun after all these years?” Ohno initiated.

Jun paused but it seemed that he had already prepared an answer or at least a statement as if he was in a press conference. “I was the one who broke the rules of the jimusho. We’re not supposed to fall in love with each other. That’s why I don’t blame Sho-kun. It’s my own fault that I got my heart broken—”

“Yeah, the first time maybe, but the second time when he just exploded at you wasn’t your fault,” Ohno pointed out flatly, touching Jun’s abs running his fingers along the definition as he memorized Jun’s torso. “He didn’t need to go that far.”

“True, but that’s okay. You were here for me,” Jun nuzzled his nose into Ohno’s hair taking whiff. “Mmmm, you smell nice…”

“What are you talking about? We use the same shampoo,” laughed Ohno, kissing Jun’s knuckles.

“I know, but when it mixes with your body chemistry, it’s like your cologne, Satoshi…” whispered Jun. “It’s just so…intoxicating…”

Jun pushed Ohno down into the pillows and wrapped his entire body so that it covered Ohno.

“Jun, you’re heavy and it’s hot under the covers,” Ohno groaned in protest after a few minutes.

“Then you lay on me,” Jun commanded, rolling to the side and beckoning to Ohno who begrudgingly straddled Jun’s torso and lay down to cover Jun’s body with his own. Jun wrapped his arms around Ohno’s torso. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Ohno listened to the steady beating of Jun’s heart through his warm chest.

“For saving me.”

“From what?” asked Ohno puzzled, staring up at Jun with his chin now on Jun’s chest.

“From myself. You were so kind when I needed someone the most,” Jun smiled.

“I can’t believe you kept this middle-aged man in the friend zone for all these years before we finally shared our first intimate moment,” pouted Ohno reaching up to pinch Jun’s cheeks lightly.

“Can you blame me? I had to be sure before I fell in love again,” Jun bent his neck kissed Ohno’s wrist. “But we’re here now.”

“Jun, are you sure you aren’t angry with Sho-kun?” Ohno asked, his ear back to Jun’s chest, almost afraid to look into Jun’s eye to hear the answer.

“No, I never was,” Jun said without skipping a beat. “I was hurt that he rejected me and that he thought that I had gotten to where I was because of my looks and Johnny-san. Maybe I was just lucky in the beginning, but I had to work super hard to get to where I am now. I have good fortune and maybe opportunities come to me more than the average person, but I don’t raw talent like the rest of you. I have to put in the effort to be good at anything. You all know this, well, I guess you all know this _now_ since we’ve been together as Arashi for so long. But Sho probably didn’t realize it at the time…and he had a lot going on too. So, no, I’m not and never was angry with Sho.”

“Do you want anything from him?” Ohno followed, tracing his fingers down Jun’s torso.

“What do you mean?”

“I dunno, like an apology or something,” Ohno offered, rolling off of Jun and cuddling instead.

Jun took a moment to think, so Ohno looked up to see Jun’s reaction.

“No, I don’t think so,” Jun shook his head as he stared thoughtfully at the ceiling. “I don’t need anything at this point. I mean it would have been nice to have received an apology years ago, but now…I don’t need anything from Sho-kun. I’ve moved on and I have you.”

Jun focused his attention on Ohno and intertwined their fingers. He looked at the delicate tanned fingers on Ohno’s left hand. And then, almost as if Ohno had read his mind, the Arashi leader spoke up, “I know what you’re thinking, Jun. One day, sometime in the future, maybe when you’re 40 or something—haha 40-year old MatsuJun; what a trip!—when we can be a little selfish and a little more free, I will put a ring on your left ring finger as a symbol of my love for you too.”

“Satoshi…” Jun breathed.

“Jun,” Ohno kissed his cheek and then he paused to gaze at Jun’s eyes.

“I love you,” they smiled in unison.


	4. Sakumiya Reflections (磁石反省会)

**_January 24, 2018…_ **

“You know, he really loved you once upon a time,” Nino commented, helping himself to a bowl of slightly spicy soup. They were drinking in a private room at a Korean restaurant known to have celebrity diners as Sho had convinced Nino to spend the hours leading into his official birthday with him. 

“Huh?” Sho snapped back from his reverie, taking a sip of his beer.

“Oh, come on, I know you’re thinking about him,” Nino picked out the potatoes first with his chopsticks and munched quietly. “That’s why I’m here consoling your ass instead of at home with my video games.”

“Who?”

“Seriously? Are you gonna play this game with _me_?” Nino snorted in feigned indignation. “J. I’m talking about J.”

“Oh,” Sho looked down helplessly.

“Oh? _You_ were the one who rejected him,” Nino scolded.

“I know…” Sho admitted, scratching the side of his face which itched from the fact that he had been wearing makeup for 18 hours and only now was allowing his skin to breathe.

“You don’t even like guys in that way…” pointed out Nino.

“I know…but then why the hell do I feel like I…I dunno, lost something…or maybe…missed out? Yeah, maybe missed out is the better word?” Sho lit a cigarette and began to puff on it in between finishing the last bit of his beer.

“Sucks, doesn’t it?” quipped Nino.

“Hmm?”

“That feeling of missing out,” Nino clarified. “I think as celebrities, we feel that feeling more intensely than the average person. Since we have so much more available to us, we have _more_ and so much _bigger_ opportunities to choose from. But also, more opportunities to choose the wrong thing and “miss out on life”. I wonder how often the average celebrity feels, _‘Ahh, darn it. I should have done this’_ or _‘I shouldn’t have dated/married so-and-so, but rather so-and-so’_ or _‘I shouldn’t have passed up the role for that movie or drama’_. Personally, I hate feeling like I missed out on something important or amazing in life.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes.

“You know, I always thought I won when it came down it,” Sho resumed the conversation.

“Sure, in terms of popularity and relative success, you haven’t lost to Matsumoto Jun,” Nino nodded in agreement.

“I’m sensing a very big BUT here…” frowned Sho, stuffing his mouth with scallops.

“Not sensing. It’s there,” Nino nodded, leaning back into his chair.

“But what?” Sho sighed, hating how Nino played these mind games with him.

“But you just really missed out on _him_ ,” Nino said simply.

“Oh…I wasn’t expecting you to say that,” Sho put down the scallop we was about to eat and looked regretfully into his empty beer class before pouring himself another from the pitcher.

“Yeah. You really missed out on him, in the platonic sense of having a friendship with him and also the romantic sense. In the romantic sense, J was all yours for the taking and you passed him up. And the thing is, he would have given anything—probably sold his soul at the time for you to reciprocate his feelings.”

“No—” Sho recoiled in shock.

“Yes. I’m serious,” Nino nodded, taking a sip of his beer. “Teenage, young adult J would have given _anything_ for you to look his way. He wanted you guys to go on dates and for you to kiss him, cuddle with him on the sofa, and tell him that life was gonna be okay. He was so insecure at the time and for such a long time during our careers.”

“Really?”

“Yes. One of J’s biggest insecurities was falling off the pedestal that he was put on at such an early age. He was under a ton of pressure from everyone around him. You were jealous because he got all those major acting roles right out of high school, but did you also know that Johnny-san basically told him that if we didn’t start gaining some popularity, Arashi was done and he would divert the money to some other group?”

“No, I mean…well—”

“Imagine that kind of pressure on someone like J. And despite that, the one who _saved_ Arashi from being forgotten and known as the failed loser group that disbanded was J with his role in _Hana Yori Dango_. Thanks to him, people got to know our music and us as a group. Even I won’t admit it to him, but I know that I partly owe what I have today to J. I have more years as an actor, but I couldn’t have done what he did. My work didn’t reach the people of Japan quite like his did. But I also know that it came at a cost to him. We were the ones who benefitted but J was the one who paid the price for many years. He was so afraid to be himself that he let everyone tell him who he should and should not be and for years. After you worked things out with your folks, you could be yourself, right? For years, he had no real defined sense of self other than the cool, handsome, cocky image/persona everyone wanted him to be as a result of his role in _Hana Yori Dango_. And only now, I think he’s finally coming out of his shell and trying to break free of that image and show everyone who he truly is.” Nino paused thoughtfully. “And I’ll say this now because I’m no longer mad at you and I think J has also moved on, but when you had your little tantrum on that day that I was there, I couldn’t forgive you for years.”

“Nino…”

“Yeah, I was secretly so mad at you for breaking J when he was his most vulnerable,” Nino admitted, taking a large gulp of his beer. “He was having a particularly hard time that week since he had a lot to memorize and the director and Johnny-san yelled at him, and then you went and shattered something in him that day that we lost and never came back from old J. God, you were such an asshole punk back then…Ugh, it killed me that you never bothered to apologize to him. I bet you didn’t know that he cried for weeks in the studio when you had left for the day.”

“I didn’t realize that…I didn’t realize you felt that way too…I mean, he never told me that…” Sho stared at the table, the bitter taste of the truth souring his mood.

“It was really obvious. We all knew Jun was sad when he thought people weren’t looking. You had to be a moron to not notice,” Nino said flippantly.

“Wait, are you calling me an idiot?” Sho looked up accusingly. He took offense to that insult.

“No, I’m calling you a moron. Didn’t you just hear me?” Nino’s brow was furrowed in slight annoyance.

“Is there a difference?”

“Yes. Moron is worse. You’re definitely a moron not an idiot,” Nino clarified. “It’s not a matter of you being uneducated or ignorant; you’re just plain stupid sometimes.” Nino sighed. “But we still love you, Sho-kun. As Arashi we all know that time was rough for you with your family. And J, he’s okay. He got scuffed up in the process, but things have changed for him—”

“What changed?” Sho asked in surprise.

“Our Leader,” Nino said softly.

“Oh right…”

“He gave J what you didn’t and J just fell into his arms,” explained Nino, opening a menu and wondering if he should order more alcohol.

“I thought you liked Ohno-kun?” Sho was now more confused.

“Not in that way. I liked to play with him and tease him, but that guy has a mind of his own. He played along all these years, but he was never interested in me in that way. He was always trying to shirk away from this idol life, but he was all too happy to use his idol perk of being in Arashi to stare at J slyly all these years like a pervert.”

“Oi, that’s our Leader you’re talking about,” Sho scolded, pressing the call button to summon the waitress so he could order more food.

“It’s fine. He knows I talk about him like this. And trust me, if Ohno Satoshi was even the slightest bit interested in me in that way, I would have known,” shrugged Nino. “Why? Because I’M NOT A MORON!”

“Hey!”

“No, but really, jokes aside, he’s held some special affection for J for quite some time. The way he has looked at J all these years. I’ve known for a long time. I knew that if he was just patient and let J come to him, they’d eventually end up together.”

“So what are you trying to say?” Sho stopped when the server came and they ordered more food and drinks. When the server left and closed the door, Nino continued.

“That you fucked up. And it’s so ironic that _you’re_ the one that can’t let it go all these years and it totally consumes you that he was the one who got away—to Ohno Satoshi, no less, the guy who has probably 1/3 the education that you do but is insanely talented, is far below you in terms of looks, and is secretly your man crush if you were to swing that way. You just _hate_ that about yourself, don’t you? Am I good or am I good?”

Sho inflated his cheeks into a spoiled brat pout as Nino stared at him from across the table gleefully with his arms crossed.

“Just admit it and you’ll feel better,” Nino urged.

“I’m not admitting anything,” Sho refused.

“Suit yourself. Stay in denial. It’s no skin off my back,” Nino shrugged his shoulders. “And for the record, you and Ohno-kun would make a _terrible_ couple, not a terrific one.”

“What?! Why?!” Sho shouted a little louder than he intended.

“You are both hopeless at adulting. You can’t cook, you’re messy as hell and need constant reminders to pick up your shit, and you like to fill every minute of your day with something. You are a workaholic. Our Leader can do some basic cooking and cleaning, but he sure as hell isn’t going to put up with picking up after your messy ass. He likes things on the clean and neat side; you, my friend, are a slob. Also, your workaholic lifestyle might work if you leave him alone and let him do his own thing, but knowing you, you’d try to make him more productive and seeing him staring at his canvases and starting out into space for hours on end would irritate you to no end. You guys are close in age and have similar tastes in terms of food, but that’s about it. Your lifestyles and personalities would be disastrous in a relationship. J is great because he’s likes to take care of people. He cooks, cleans, and likes to do things to make the other person happy. He’s affectionate, down for anything, and can be as extroverted and introverted as you need him to be. He’s got some attitude and he likes to be spoiled like a little princess, but he’s really the perfect wife for the both of you.”

“Okay, let’s say all of that is true,” Sho began.

“It is.”

“But I’m not willing to be the uh…catcher, you know,” Sho blushed.

“I like how this is totally hypothetical in your case,” snickered Nino.

“I wouldn’t!”

“Well, fortunately for hypothetical you and our Leader, J is the catcher. That means hypothetical you, would have been the pitcher. I didn’t want to go there, but the other reason why you couldn’t be with Ohno-kun is because you are both pitchers and neither of you want to catch.”

“So my only hope was MatsuJun!” Sho banged his head on the table in a drunken moment of realization. “What a shocking revelation!”

“ _Hypothetical you’s_ only hope. Don’t forget that you don’t actually swing that way,” sighed Nino as the door opened and the server arrived with their order.


	5. Will You Ever Come to Forgive Me? (いつか許して貰えるかな)

**_January 24, 2021 23:59:30…_ **

Sho had lived enough of these birthdays to know what was coming. He was in his bedroom staring at the clock counting down the seconds until midnight when it officially became his birthday. At exactly midnight, he received a birthday message from none other than Jun.

_“Happy 39th Birthday, Sho-kun!”_

That’s how the first line always went and while he would be inundated with messages for about 15 minutes, Jun was somehow always the first one to come in. It was almost like Arashi’s youngest knew to send it just a few seconds shy of midnight, like Matsumoto Jun had this innate sense of knowing precisely how long it would take to reach Sho so that his was always the first message that Sho saw on his birthday.

It was really quite ironic that the person in Arashi that Sho felt the most distance between would be the first one to wish him happy birthday. Sho had not been keeping track initially but he knew that for the last 10 or so years, Jun had been the first one to wish him happy birthday by message in the event that they were not actually spending it together at the midnight of the 25th for work.

Sho scrolled down to read the rest of Jun’s message while his phone vibrated wildly with the deluge of messages.

_“Happy 39th Birthday, Sho-kun!_ 🎉 _You’re almost 40!_ 😱 _Hope you have checked off all the things on your ‘Things I want to do before I’m 40’ checklist._ ✅ _I know you have one—it’s probably in your office in the second drawer of your desk knowing you, lol. Let me guess what you’re going to do for your birthday…probably not travel abroad given the circumstances…you’re not gonna buy a car_ 🚗 _or real estate_ 🏠 _…I think you’re going to go skiing_ ⛷ _next weekend with your friends. Am I right?_

_Leader and I are sending your present_ 🎁 _through the post. It should be there sometime this afternoon, so look forward to it! We should all go out to dinner_ 🍴 _with the other members to celebrate your birthday._

_Wishing you the happiest of birthdays and a year of productivity and success as always._ 🍾

_—Jun”_

Sho smiled down at the happy message. It was short and sweet, but he always looked forward to reading what Jun had written him. He responded,

_“Thanks! You’re half right. The list is in my office in the second drawer of my desk. I have 6 more things on it! And I am going skiing, not next weekend but the following weekend. You must have a crystal ball or something, lol. Aiba and Nino are pretty busy these next couple of weeks and Nino is flying out to Taiwan for 3 weeks in February. I hope we can find a common time to celebrate. I miss you guys.”_

Sho checked more of his messages and a few minutes later, he received a message from Jun.

_“We can wait until we can all meet together to celebrate. No rush_ 👍 _”_

Looking down at the screen, Sho sighed. “I guess you haven’t forgotten,” he spoke quietly to his phone reading Jun’s message. “We’re never going out on a one-on-one social outing ever again, huh?”

+

Sho’s birthday present arrived in a large box late in the late afternoon, just as Jun had told him. When he opened the large box, he saw that it was the 100,000 yen toaster oven that he had been eyeing out for nearly 8 months. Jun had ever so slyly inquired about it in December saying something about wanting a new toaster oven for his newly renovated home and asking if Sho had bought the luxury toaster oven he had been talking about for months. Sho hadn’t taken the plunge and had whined that it was a really expensive toaster oven and he couldn’t see himself buying it. Jun asked him about the features and it sounded like Jun might buy the appliance for himself.

The toaster oven came in a large protective cardboard box around the box and taped to the top of the inner box was a DVD that just said “Happy Birthday Sho-kun” in Ohno’s distinctive handwriting. Sho turned on his television and started the DVD which contained a video message.

_“Hi Sho-kun!”_ waved Jun clearly holding some sort of selfie stick as he filmed the two of them in their living room.

_“Happy 39th Birthday, Sho-kun!”_ Jun and Ohno said in unison and began to sing Happy Birthday to Sho while they danced around Jun’s living room and kitchen. Once they were done singing, they stopped in Jun’s kitchen where Jun put the camera or phone on a tripod in a fixed position. Jun and Ohno then proceeded to explain that they bought the same toaster oven for Jun’s newly renovated place and they began to gush on how amazing it was.

It looked like they had taken it in just one take. In general, there was no way Jun would let people see what he did not want people to see. But now that they were on hiatus, things were perhaps different. Ohno looking at Jun with a patient gaze. Then when Jun went to adjust the camera, Ohno subtly placing his hand on Jun’s lower back affectionately. They all knew that whenever Ohno thought that the cameras were not watching and rolling, he would gently place his hand on Jun’s back intimately—this he had been doing for years as his special connection to Jun. Now that they were on hiatus and this was truly just a private video for Sho, this was completely obvious. Ohno’s fingers were slightly in the waistband of Jun’s jeans while he stared at Jun lovingly as Jun explained the features of the toaster oven and what he had already discovered about the amazing gadget.

_“Happy Birthday, Sho-kun!”_ Ohno smiled and gave some exaggerated kisses to the camera. _“I hope you’re taking at least your birthday off to rest and do nothing.”_

_“Oi,”_ Jun elbowed Ohno, interrupting him.

_“Ow! That hurt,”_ pouted Ohno.

_“Stop making that kissy face at Sho-kun!”_ Jun demanded.

_“Why? It’s Sho-kun. It’s not like it’s something that is limited in quantity,”_ Ohno protested.

_“Stop making that face because it makes me jealous,”_ Jun puffed his cheeks up and crossed his arms while leaning heavily to one side.

_“Okay, sorry,”_ Ohno apologized meekly and Jun smiled and ruffled Ohno’s hair.

_“Sho-kun, we miss you,”_ Jun waved. _“Sorry we couldn’t be there in person to give this to you, but we still wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Take care.”_

_“Bye, Sho-kun!”_ Ohno waved and reached forward to turn off the camera.

+++

After filming the video, Ohno had pulled Jun in close for a private moment unbeknownst to Sho.

_“I’m sorry,” Ohno apologized to Jun who stuck his lower lip out. “Are you upset?”_

_Jun pushed Ohno up against the pantry door and gave him an energetic kiss before pulling away abruptly just as Ohno was beginning to get in the mood._

_“No,” softened Jun and turned towards the stove. “But you said all your kisses belonged to me, so I don’t want you giving them out for free to Sho-kun of all people.”_

_“Uh-uh,” Ohno stopped him shaking his head, and twirled him back around._

_“I’m gonna make us lunch,” Jun explained._

_“No, today is January 23rd,” Ohno reminded him. “I want you for lunch,” he said with a sly smile, teasing Jun’s shirt up slightly to expose Jun’s belly button. “Please, Jun…can I have you for lunch instead?”_

_“Mmmm….maybe?” Jun smiled, touching Ohno’s freshly razored undercut fading into the wave of hair that swept across his face._

+++

It was several hours after he had opened the toaster oven and set it up in his kitchen when Sho finally decided to call Jun to thank him for the toaster. Jun and Ohno had just finished a bath together. They had put on their pajama bottoms and Ohno suddenly felt the need to connect his lips with Jun’s. He had Jun’s arms pinned up against the bathroom door while he kissed the younger man when they heard Jun’s tablet ringing telling him that he had an incoming video call.

“Who is it?” Jun mumbled, kissing Ohno’s neck and rubbing at the two fresh kiss marks along Ohno’s collarbone and shoulder.

Ohno craned his neck to look on the dresser at the tablet that was charging in its dock. “It’s Sho-kun.”

“I guess we should answer it,” Jun sighed, pulling away to Ohno’s disappointment and turning on the video.

_“Hey, Sho-kun, Happy Birthday,”_ Jun smiled.

_“Thanks for the toaster,”_ Sho acknowledged, pointing to where he had set it up in his kitchen.

_“Yeah, sure,”_ Jun nodded. _“Where’s my—”_

Ohno tossed Jun his pajama top from across the room.

_“Oh, thanks,”_ Jun caught it with one hand.

Sho saw that they were in Jun’s bedroom and they were wearing matching pajama pants. Their hair was wet signaling that they both had likely just come from a bath as there was just no way that Jun would wait around with wet hair in the middle of winter.

_“Did you get to try it yet?”_ Jun asked, sitting down in front of his tablet and drying his hair with his towel.

_“Yeah, I made some honey toast,”_ Sho replied, staring curiously into the live feed that was coming through on his screen.

_“You had honey in your kitchen?”_ Jun asked in surprise.

_“Isn’t the toast the greatest?”_ Ohno smiled, placing his head on Jun’s shoulder and waving to Sho.

_“Oi, put your shirt on before you catch a cold,”_ Jun scolded looking back at Ohno.

_“Yeah, you can get your toast exactly how you like it,”_ Sho agreed.

_“Jun and I made cauliflower pizza in it today,”_ Ohno offered, turning away and grabbing his shirt off of the bed and putting it on before taking a seat very close to Jun.

_“Cauliflower pizza?”_ Sho repeated in surprise.

_“Yeah, there’s a recipe inside with the instruction manual. It’s a gluten-free pizza,”_ Jun clarified. _“It was pretty good, right?”_

_“Yeah, it was surprisingly good. I thought it was gonna taste like shit because cauliflower has no taste, but it was really good,”_ laughed Ohno in fond memory. _“It’s probably because Jun used good ingredients.”_

Sho winced. There it was again—Ohno calling Jun by his first name. Why was he so bothered? They were on hiatus. He was free to do whatever he wanted. They were all free to do whatever they wanted.

_“It’s the eggs and cheese in the crust,”_ Jun said, handing his towel to Ohno so Ohno could towel dry the droplets from his hair that were dripping onto Jun’s pajama top. _“You gotta use the Hokkaido ones with the blue ribbon label.”_

_“Since when did the two of you start wearing matching pajamas?”_ Sho asked, noting that these pajamas were plaid print pajamas in their member colors of blue and purple.

_“Are you looking for recs?”_ Ohno asked. _“These are super comfy, you know! I bought these for Jun and me—”_

_“You bought the pajamas?!”_ Sho repeated in surprise. _“YOU actually went out and bought clothing? And you bought matching ones with MatsuJun?”_

_“No, silly. I went online and ordered them,”_ Ohno said seriously. _“And why wouldn’t I buy one for Jun? They’re comfy, right?”_ Ohno looked to Jun.

_“They are,”_ Jun agreed. _“You should try them, Sho-ku—”_

Jun’s doorbell rang.

_“Oh! My drone is here!”_ Ohno stood up excitedly, running out of frame.

_“Don’t you dare fly that thing in my kitchen!”_ called Jun after him.

_“I won’t! I’ll fly it in the study where it’s nice and open!”_ Ohno shouted back.

_“Not in my study either! Go fly it in your own damn hobby room!”_ Jun shouted.

_“My art room is filled with canvases. In the living room?”_

_“Fine!”_ Jun shouted as he could hear Ohno opening the front door as a member from the building security brought the box up.

_“MatsuJun,”_ Sho interrupted Jun.

_“Yeah?”_ Jun looked back at the screen.

_“I…We….Uh…”_ Sho paused and Jun just stared back expectantly. _“What I wanted to say was…uhm…”_

BOOM. CRASH. CLATTER. Jun stood up with a start and rolled his eyes.

_“Juuuuuunnnnn….”_ whined Ohno from the other room.

_“Sorry, Sho-kun. I should go. Happy Birthday. I’ll talk to you soon,”_ Jun waved. _“Saaatoshiiiii! That better not be what I think it is!”_ Jun clicked the end call button and the call terminated.

Sho laid down his tablet and looked to the couch at the lump huddled under his throw blanket.

“Satisfied?” Nino asked with a raised eyebrow.

“With what?”

“Whatever it was you wanted to see,” Nino stood up, stretched and grabbed his coat.

“Where are you going?” Sho asked, following him.

“Home. To my wife and my video games,” Nino shrugged.

“But—”

“You’re gonna hang out with Aiba and your friends soon, right?”

“You’re not gonna stay?” Sho asked hopefully.

“I spent ALL day with your reflective ass like I do every year,” Nino snarked.

“You came an hour late,” reminded Sho.

“And I stayed…2 hours and 56 minutes longer than I usually do!” Nino grumbled looking at his watch. “Are you satisfied now? Can your guilt and regret rest another year?”

“I’m not feeling guilty or regretful,” Sho protested crossing his arms.

“Really now?” Nino rolled his eyes in a dramatic accompanying head roll as he stared at Sho in annoyance. “Then why the hell do you still call me and confirm that I’m coming over to spend your birthday with you?” sighed Nino. “You still can’t accept that J has moved on without you. He has Ohno-kun now. Stop worrying about it. Stop beating yourself up about it. It’s done already.”

Sho looked like he was not convinced at all.

“And if you feel so bad about it, go apologize to J, and beg for forgiveness then—” Nino offered exasperatedly, struggling to put his boots on while standing.

“You know very well I can’t do that!” Sho threw his hands up in frustration. Nino hopped around the entrance trying to put on his other boot and then while leaning against the wall stared at Sho incredulously.

“Well, then go on feeling bad every year around your birthday for the rest of your life for being a fucking jerk to J! I’m going home to play some video games! As much as I wouldn’t mind seeing Aiba-shi, I really don’t wanna hang out with your other friends, so I’m gonna go before I see them in the elevator because you know I can’t say not to Aiba-shi. Is that cool with you?” Nino grabbed his scarf and placed his hand on the doorknob to the front door.

Sho knew that Nino could have left hours ago and even minutes ago. As soon as he had hung up with Jun, Nino could have dug out. But there he was with his hand on the doorknob waiting for Sho to release him. Nino was an Arashi member, but he was also a good friend to Sho. He came every year on Sho’s birthday to reassure him and he would not leave until Sho said he was fine. Despite the whining, hemming and hawing, and complaining about having to go home to his wife, Sho knew that if he asked Nino to stay because he wanted to talk about it more, Nino would take his scarf and coat off and would stay as long as Sho needed him.

“I said, are we good, this year?” Nino repeated.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Sho said, waving from the hallway.

Nino sighed and opened the door.

“Nino!” Sho called, causing the man in question to spin around.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, man,” Sho waved.

“I got you,” Nino saluted with two fingers and closed the door behind him.

Sho looked at the clock. Aiba and his friends would be arriving in 20 minutes with food and booze to celebrate his last year of his thirties. He needed to change his clothes and straighten up his bathroom. He took one more look at the toaster in his kitchen from Jun and Ohno, the annoyingly happy couple that gave him something that he would have to now look at every day and be reminded of the one thing he wanted to forget. Perhaps it was better that he look at it and not forget, he thought.

His pocket vibrated and he saw that he had a new message from Nino.

_“Stop punishing yourself. You’re so negative! Instead of using that toaster as a reminder of what you did,_ _look at that damn toaster as J telling you that he’s okay, he has Ohno-kun now, and it’s okay for you to forgive yourself.”_

Sho looked around the room and wondered if Nino was somehow watching him from somewhere in the room.

_“Stop looking around the room and go get dressed before your guests get here,”_ went a second message.

“How did…?” Sho looked around and then smiled at his screen.

_“You just know me that well, huh?”_ Sho wrote back.

_“You know it_ 💛 _”_

**—fin—**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end...? This was an interesting challenge and I'm not all too sure I did the story and different pairings/relationships justice, but it was certainly fun to try to write. I have always wanted to explore the Sakumoto gap and I have not found too many theories explaining how things came to be, just that people noticed the gap between them. Sakumoto/ShoJun lovers, I am sorry if this fic was totally out there. m(_ _)m
> 
> If you're wondering about these one-shots that I've been posting to the "Arashi on hiatus"/non-AU timeline of my works, you can sort of consider this one as one of the works from that. So right now, "Okaeri", "Yasashiku Aserazu" and this one "Until You Can Come to Forgive Me" are part of this non-AU Arashiverse and can be read independently out of order (since I just write them whenever the mood strikes me without any sort of linear plan), while the other two, "The Fisherman's Bride" and "Last Dance, Last Chance For Love" are complete AU fics.
> 
> Thank you for stopping by and I hope you enjoyed the fic. Until next time, friends💜💙!


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